No Diving (and other pool rules)

I love swimming, since I learnt to swim aged 9 (?) I cannot get enough of it. I joined a gym a year ago and spent most of my time in the pool over the summer. Then it got cold and started snowing and getting into a cold pool somehow lost its appeal. Ok, swimming is basically having a bath with a group of strangers in barely any clothes hiding your dignity, but I always manage to put that to the back of my mind and the half an hour shower afterwards also helps scrub away that feeling of old hairy men sharing 'my' pool. Swimming is so relaxing, I can think about everything and anything and I can push myself to work harder, I always count the amount of lengths I do, and this always has to be a multiple of 10 (it's just one of those annoying OCD habits everyone has). With the sun shining this week and a sudden hit of fitness motivation I got the bikini out and headed to the gym pool, but I noticed some changes that must be made.

All pools have rules, the standard no running, no diving and children must be with an adult. However I have come up with some new rules that should be applied:

1) Girls it's ok to get your hair wet & there's more to swimming than just breast stroke.
Every female I saw in the pool seemed to be afraid to get their hair wet; I'm guessing this is why they choose to swim only at a very slow speed of breast stroke. I realise chlorine is not so great for the hair, but why go swimming if you are afraid to get your hair wet?!

2) Public displays of affection in the pool are never ever acceptable.
I saw a couple obviously madly in love (that's great), but please I do not want to see these displays of love, especially in a public pool.

3) It is not ok for an unattractive male to try and start a conversation in the public showers.
Or anyone to start a conversation in the showers for that matter. It's embarrassing enough that I'm stood in not much more than underwear so trying to start a conversation or small talk is way over the line and makes an uncomfortable situation a lot worse.

4) Don't kick so much, it splashes people in the face.
I love the enthusiasm. But please I would prefer the water to stay in the pool and not in my face.

5) Know your speed; most of you in the medium lane should be in the slow lane.
I'm in no way an Olympic swimmer, but I feel thee medium speed lane is suitable for my ability and stamina of swimming. However I feel others should reassess their lane choice, if people are trying to overtake you constantly; you are too slow for the medium lane.

6) Standing at the end of the pool for 30 minutes talking to a friend does not count as swimming.
I love to chat to my friends, but there's a time and a place. Do not stand at the edge of the pool, blocking the steps and walls in order to talk to your friends. You should sit in the coffee shop or maybe the sauna or steam room if you want to say 'I've been to the gym'. Talking is not a work out, if you are at the gym, do some work.

7) Don't try to race me, I'll win.
One middle aged man made eye contact with me and then shot off to race me. This was a silly idea on his behalf, I won. However I like to be on my own when I swim, my only competition is myself.

8) Invest in sensible swimwear.
This is aimed at myself as well as all those middle aged, out of shape, hairy men sporting Speedos. It had been a while since I'd last got into a pool and I hadn't realised my bikini may be slightly too big, until it was too late and I had a few wardrobe malfunctions and a lot of readjusting under the water. Time to go shopping...